As the long Summer days closed on our children today, we all breathed a sigh of joy and tears for another milestone of the ages. BUT, I want to tell you about my massage this weekend. It will surely cheer you up if you're having a sad day and if you're day is going well, this is just a cherry on top!
I should have known, that seems to be the way all good stories start. But I should have; when you get a Groupon Now email for a last minute massage; you should know! I didn't.
I buy the 60 Minute massage at a massage parlor and by parlor; I'm pretty sure it was. I had to use it before they closed at 10:00pm, and yes, that should have been another clue. But I was feeling pretty happy with my recent purchase and called to schedule an appointment.
"No problem, you have Groupon? Come on in, we have 3:00 time for you." It was a Vietnamese parlor; some of you may already see where this is going.
I walk in and am I bit skeptical; two recliners are in the waiting room with a jumbo TV screen to watch 'video'. I didn't ask, but they did have plastic coated pictures of feet and all the pressure points on them...it's gotta be legit!
After waiting an hour and ten minutes, I am escorted to my room. Only the room doesn't have a door, just a curtain. The massage therapist, lays a sheet on the table and tells me to lay face down and then leaves. If these sheets were any thinner, you could see right through them. Do they even make 20 thread count sheets? If they do, that's what I had!
So I'm getting undressed and lay down on the table and drape the sheet over me. Did I tell you I only had a curtain? Well you can hear all kinds of things through curtains, but I'd waited this long and by golly I was gonna get a Shiatsu massage!
My therapist comes in and starts working me over like a prisoner on a chain gang hammering rocks. No explanation as to why I had to wait, do I ask or just roll with it? Before I can answer my own question, the curtain is pulled back and another lady walks in (she's the young one with the leather shorts, only 50 years old), and begins talking about something. I'm naked on a table with a 20 count sheet and they want to talk about lunch! They banter back and forth for about three minutes (five minutes might be an exaggeration) and then she closes the curtain and the massage starts back.
Do I flee or just stay and make the best of it..."at least you'll have a story."
About twenty minutes into the massage, I feel a heavy weight on the right side of the table, like someone is crawling up on the table...OH MY GOODNESS, she's crawling on to the table!!! Rub, rub, rub and then the unimaginable; yes, she straddles me on the table. A little 80 pound Asian woman that is 65 years old if she's a day, is sitting on my thighs with only 20 counts of thread between me and her. I don't know whether to scream or bust out laughing. At this point I think to myself (to keep from laughing or crying), "how much worse can this be?" Never ask yourself that question, you just might find out.
Two little knees balance themselves directly under my buttock as she lifts her entire body weight onto my back and thighs. Little bony knees, digging into my tail with only a sparse sheet in between us. She never stopped rubbing and working on my muscles. I wasn't relaxing and she wasn't stopping until I did. BREATHE, relax!
She climbed down after what seemed like an eternity and for a moment I thought she might do a somersault and start walking on my back. Luck was on my side, if for only a moment.
"Roll over, face up" was my next order; really? What's gonna happen next, this is just too much, how can I not laugh?
The sheet was crumpled up, barely covering the really private parts,and at this point I hardly even cared. I can only say I completely understand how these places get their nickname of "Happy Ending". If I would have been a guy, I don't think I would have had a choice; she tried to work out kinks and knots on my legs that I didn't even know hurt.
After what seems hours, she told me she was finished and then she left the room through the curtain. I just laid there for a few moments, trying to collect my thoughts and maybe a little of my dignity.
My back was less tense, my shoulders were less knotted and I did feel pretty good. "Helen" invited me back for another massage, apologized for the wait time and told me next time would be better.
I can check off Massage Parlor on my list of things to experience in life. I encourage you to go too; there's nothing naughty about it, just older ladies giving great massages. Just be ready for someone to climbed on your back; and you might want to bring your own sheet!
I should have known, that seems to be the way all good stories start. But I should have; when you get a Groupon Now email for a last minute massage; you should know! I didn't.
I buy the 60 Minute massage at a massage parlor and by parlor; I'm pretty sure it was. I had to use it before they closed at 10:00pm, and yes, that should have been another clue. But I was feeling pretty happy with my recent purchase and called to schedule an appointment.
"No problem, you have Groupon? Come on in, we have 3:00 time for you." It was a Vietnamese parlor; some of you may already see where this is going.
I walk in and am I bit skeptical; two recliners are in the waiting room with a jumbo TV screen to watch 'video'. I didn't ask, but they did have plastic coated pictures of feet and all the pressure points on them...it's gotta be legit!
After waiting an hour and ten minutes, I am escorted to my room. Only the room doesn't have a door, just a curtain. The massage therapist, lays a sheet on the table and tells me to lay face down and then leaves. If these sheets were any thinner, you could see right through them. Do they even make 20 thread count sheets? If they do, that's what I had!
So I'm getting undressed and lay down on the table and drape the sheet over me. Did I tell you I only had a curtain? Well you can hear all kinds of things through curtains, but I'd waited this long and by golly I was gonna get a Shiatsu massage!
My therapist comes in and starts working me over like a prisoner on a chain gang hammering rocks. No explanation as to why I had to wait, do I ask or just roll with it? Before I can answer my own question, the curtain is pulled back and another lady walks in (she's the young one with the leather shorts, only 50 years old), and begins talking about something. I'm naked on a table with a 20 count sheet and they want to talk about lunch! They banter back and forth for about three minutes (five minutes might be an exaggeration) and then she closes the curtain and the massage starts back.
Do I flee or just stay and make the best of it..."at least you'll have a story."
About twenty minutes into the massage, I feel a heavy weight on the right side of the table, like someone is crawling up on the table...OH MY GOODNESS, she's crawling on to the table!!! Rub, rub, rub and then the unimaginable; yes, she straddles me on the table. A little 80 pound Asian woman that is 65 years old if she's a day, is sitting on my thighs with only 20 counts of thread between me and her. I don't know whether to scream or bust out laughing. At this point I think to myself (to keep from laughing or crying), "how much worse can this be?" Never ask yourself that question, you just might find out.
Two little knees balance themselves directly under my buttock as she lifts her entire body weight onto my back and thighs. Little bony knees, digging into my tail with only a sparse sheet in between us. She never stopped rubbing and working on my muscles. I wasn't relaxing and she wasn't stopping until I did. BREATHE, relax!
She climbed down after what seemed like an eternity and for a moment I thought she might do a somersault and start walking on my back. Luck was on my side, if for only a moment.
"Roll over, face up" was my next order; really? What's gonna happen next, this is just too much, how can I not laugh?
The sheet was crumpled up, barely covering the really private parts,and at this point I hardly even cared. I can only say I completely understand how these places get their nickname of "Happy Ending". If I would have been a guy, I don't think I would have had a choice; she tried to work out kinks and knots on my legs that I didn't even know hurt.
After what seems hours, she told me she was finished and then she left the room through the curtain. I just laid there for a few moments, trying to collect my thoughts and maybe a little of my dignity.
My back was less tense, my shoulders were less knotted and I did feel pretty good. "Helen" invited me back for another massage, apologized for the wait time and told me next time would be better.
I can check off Massage Parlor on my list of things to experience in life. I encourage you to go too; there's nothing naughty about it, just older ladies giving great massages. Just be ready for someone to climbed on your back; and you might want to bring your own sheet!
